I love smoking pot but this new guy I’m seeing doesn’t. I really like him and everything else is falling into place, but I can’t ignore the nagging feeling that—despite the fact he says me smoking doesn’t bother him at all—neither one of us is ever going to be exactly what the other wants.
So High Solo
Dear So High Solo,
Well, you might have that right: Exactly what the other wants? That’s probably a pretty tall order, and I think anyone currently sitting in the proverbial lotus position would suggest that each of us has to be what we want ourselves to be if we have any hope of offering that to someone else. But let’s assume you’re fresh from the yoga mat and all squared away on that. Let’s assume this is really just about whether or not your ideas on how to spend the weekend truly jive.
Try this: make a list of three to five other things you love. Say… sleeping late on Saturdays, maybe. Watching subtitled Samurai movies from the ‘50s. Cooking elaborate meals from Bon Appétit. Taking a two-week beach vacay every January. Would it be a deal breaker if this dude laid down an absolute “no thanks” on any of those?
(Then again, be honest: when you look at that list, are those all things you like to do while you’re stoned?)
While most of us are probably okay with the fact that sharing lives doesn’t have to mean sharing every one of each other’s favorite past times, when you think about the things that really make your life your life, you will probably find that you’d love to have your partner along for the ride.
You did use the word “love.” You said you love smoking pot. You didn’t say you like it. Then again you also say you really like this guy (I’m sure it’s too early to use the other L word here). You’re in a pickle for sure. If you bail now, you’ll never know what might have been, but if you invest more time and energy here, it may well add with a bit of heartbreak.
If you were my best friend I’d tell you that it’s worth seeing it through—and she would probably remind me of the time one of our other best friends found herself entangled with that straight-edge dude… who, six months into their affair, decided to abandon the abstinence-driven lifestyle. He’s now that guy at the party—smoker, joker, midnight toker. And then after she said that I would say, “Yeah but you can’t go into anything—anything—banking on change.” And she would resign herself to the truth.
Maybe take a spin through this Cosmo compilation of case studies from other lovelorn and happily coupled women—it can’t hurt to hear how others navigate the situation. Then steal yourself a little, resolve to stay honest above all else—and, to borrow a phrase from the non-believers—take it one day at a time.